i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
