This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
