fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
3 2 1 whiskey
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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