Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
