u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
