you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
