i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
