I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
