I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
time to smoke my breakfast
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
