She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
