My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.