Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.