I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
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Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.