She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.