So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
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We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
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Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.