You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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