i think my mom watched the whole time
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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