Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
