The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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