We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
