I can text with my tongue
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
