Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Congratulations! We have a period
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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