So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
