Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
