She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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