can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
