im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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