getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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