her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
