I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
