I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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