So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
