Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
