I want you more than these girls want KFC
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
