If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
