I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
