I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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