My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
