we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
