i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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