hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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