Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
