My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
