So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
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we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
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Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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