you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
