i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
