hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
