ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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