Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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