i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
