I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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