So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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