Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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