I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Small penises have feelings too.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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