fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
