Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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