Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
