i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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