Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
This is the high leading the old right now
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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