Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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