Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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